Les had to go to work for 4, and no one else could take me to help the 5th grade band students. So he dropped me off at the school an hour early, and I'm glad he did.
At first I was hit with a pang of loneliness. I went to my locker for no reason, then to Gina's. The upstairs hall was deadly silent, and the metal clanged all too loudly off the walls, coming back to hit my heart. I wrote Gina a note: "Christine Loves Gina! -- <3 Awesome, 4:03 p.m".
I was walking down the hall, listening to my own footsteps, when I noticed one door was open: my history room. So I popped my head in, expecting to find the creative writing teacher with his Harry Potter glasses (Hence my nickname: Mr. Potter) chillin' at his desk. Instead I find Mr. Ryan: my amazing history teacher, avid wink-thrower, and the subject of obscene rumors.
I can't say he's ugly, but he's older, so he really holds no sparkle for me. However, Mr. Ryan his super close to his students, leanant, and loved to wink at people. I find him interesting, but creepy all the same, since I come from Echo Vally, home of drunken child molesters. He seems to flirt with girls non-stop, but I guess that's just his nature?? I don't know.
So I sit down on a desk and we get to talking: about how freakin' slow the computers are, about what he still has to do, about my foster care thing, (((I need to mention something later about that))), about life, the cirriculum, and his rumors.
We never once said what they were about, but we both understood. He told me how he could give a care what other people think, that he knows the truth and everything. Sometimes they start to hurt - that's when he follows the rumor down the line to the source - but usually he brushes them off. If he helps one student with after-school talks like this, he's happy, even if being seen with me walking out of a room at 5:15 at night gets him looks. "Haters G'on Hatin!" I chuckled.
Then these two girls I can't stand come running in. They fly right onto his desk, and his eyes jump to mine as if to say "Of course. Don't you love how they do that?"
We played along with them for a while, Mr. Ryan once grabbing a yard stick. You should see how these girls act with him....like he isn't an adult at all!
Finally they left. Thank the lord.
Some talk about careers, how time flies-
AND THEY'RE BACK.
Thank god it's only for a few minutes.
He had to make over two hundred copies, so we went into the teacher's lounge. The crappy windows. The leaky A.C. and the ancient appliances. We talked of Echo Vally, my brother, drunken creepers who almost follow you home. How stupid DCYF is.
Helped out the 5th graders after that.......
ANYWAY. So I'm sitting in History today, learning about something that interests none of us, not even a Hetalia fan and history geek. I get called to the office. The office sends me to Guidance. Mrs. Moniz isn't in guidance. Then she comes around the corner with my annoying social worker, and I deadpan. WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE?
She tells me I have to see Mrs. Moniz every so often, to check in. Because, though I apparently don't need regular appointments with someone, they need tabs on me? -____________- Wonder what they said after I left.
Love how Bree find the bisexuality of some girl funny....-_____- Epic. Fail. Like the guy Mr. Ryan was telling me about, stealing from Stop N' Shop and falling all over the bank's rope dividers.
I trust him a little more, but hey, you never know.
- Location:My Room
- Music:Fever by Adam Lambert (Written by GaGa)
So the DARE program mentored the middle school's dance last night. For an hour we had to deal with 5th and 6th graders running around, then we had half an hour to eat pizza and such before the older kids came in. They needed less assistance, and we were able to enjoy ourselves and dance a bit. All night David's fake abs had been a joke, and he'd taught me the Bad Romance dance. Ashley had an amazing costume, as always. Katelyn had fun, despite Jason's drama (To be mentioned later). Kelsy was trying to dance with me, though it didn't work too well. She's so awesome...if she were a guy, I'd date her!!! XD
After everyone left....well yeah, I just have to say I love the seniors. They were POLE DANCING. Even Officer Jason got into it, in his hot-dog suit! And DJ anthony!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XD When the videos are uploaded, I'll post hem!! We even had lap dances!!! XD IT was HILARIOUS.
ANYWAY.....so, the Jason thing. Sara got jelous that her was hanging out with Katelyn (-_____- when isn't she jelous??) and got mad. The whole night they were breaking up and getting back to together. Once, Katelyn saw him walking out, so we went after him cause we knew he wasn't in a good state of mind. We were POWER WALKING to the front doors, BURST out at he same time to find the two of them sitting there. All four of us stared for a full couple of seconds, and then we pulled the doors closed in the same unison we had coming out. XD Then we burst out laughing. Apparently Sara still has stuff to say behind mah back.. HATER'S GUNN' HATE. :D lol.....
- Music:Like It's her Birthday by Good Charlotte
Julia. Agata. Angela. WHATEVER THE HELL HER NAME IS. Yeah. The polish chick. She confuses the fuck out of me!!!
She seems like a nice girl. Hell to the fuck yeah. I guess I let the aspect of "OMG FORIEN POLISH PEOPLE!!" blind me, cause woah. She cuts herself.....But they really don't look like "cuts", so I'm asking myself if she's lying. Then today at lunch she randomly says "Have you ever gotten high?"
And I told her the truth, about how my mom doesn't heep ANYTHING in the house because of her past dealings with addiction.
And she keeps asking me to get her approved. I highly doubt my social worker will even try. I mean, her parents don't speak fluent english. She speaks well enough (There's a strong accent, but pshh, whateverr) but something about me creeps up a wall. She seems well off. How THE FUCK did they end up in West Warwick? O.O She always has SOMETHING to whine about: the weather, some girl, her hair, being fat..
But I can't hate her. Is my facination with the world getting the best of me?
P.S: Kayla keeps taking hypocritical hissy fits. I find them a bit funny.
- Music:Animal Arithmatic by Jonsi
I've been lurking a lot around the anime community today, and it's reinforced my ideas that fangirls are alot more forgiving than a lot of people. We live to have fun and gush about how hot Tamaki is, or Iggy's eyebrows and make sexual jokes and hop around. Somehow, when I talk to the community, I find myself reinforced that my fandom is okay and mabe it's a good thing.
Donovan got into his fight with his girlfriend and was crying. Over aim I tried to help him, though I wasn't much of a good thing. However, I started talking about trust (About how weird it is, the way it can develop between any two people even if they hate each other, and then you could meet the most amazing person and know them for a week and not trust them as much as a long-term enemy) and he just says "....I trust you."
And I think I beamed for hours after. =)
Haven't talked to Jesse...and somehow I cant bring myself to.....I feel gross about it...
- Music:Crazy Loop
If you could eliminate all the calendars, clocks, and measurements of time, how would it change your life? How about the world?
I remeber carefree summers, where I spent all day outside and one day blended into the next untill August came rolling along. I learned to tell the time of day by the sun: afternoon, mid-afternoon, late afternoon, evening. If the rest of my days became like that, I don't think I would mind. However, the world would be stunned into aproximity instead of their steady percision. I actually miss the days running into each other and blending together. Stress is so much less. It would be good for someone like me, bad for business men and those who run 9 -5.
Is there a specific song or band that makes you yearn for the past?
Oh, God Yes.
Every country song that my best friend and I silently listened to on my rides home, our togetherness lingering softly in the notes. The ones of girls who grew up in places I never imagined, where the sky was open to dreams and the air was clear. About love that seemed to ring on every doorstep but mine. Together with him, I feel like I can say anything, do anything, achieve anything. It makes me want to turn back the clock to so long ago, when we met, and relive everything and pause it right here, so nothing can tear us apart.
I looked at Jason's face today, and all I could think of was three years ago, when I met him. He looks so much older now...He's really almost fifteen. I'm really almost fifteen. I'm in high school. Three years, and I'll almost be an adult. Where did it all go? I'm so scared.
We stood there and watched the clouds and the dusk, waiting fo Gina and Carlos, and I put my hands out over the rail and stared at my nails. They're all chewed, and the right hand holds remnants of my poorly done purple and black polish. The left hand has the gold I never finished at Gina's house. And I said "I...I feel like there's so much to say...but there's not enough time."
We both didn't have anything to say to that.
With Jason, we go in and out of small talk, laughter, and deep thoughts easily. We stare at the sky, and say hi to his friends I don't know, and laugh. He doesn't like to stay sad for too long, though, and I find him making me laugh after I start to think to much. Even though the mall wasn't open, and walked along the plaza for an hour, with me wearing his leather jacket and thinking myself cool. We got some kind of pumpkin latte thing at Starbucks that tasted halfway decent after it cooled and banana bread. While walking under the dusk, I murmured..."I feel like I'm in a bird cage." He said something loud, so it echoed off the surrounding buildings, and I laughed, "Yeah, that REALLY makes me feel like I'm in a cage."
And on the way home, his mama was driving back to my old house, and I knew it. And I didn't say anything. Because I hadn't seen Echo Vally in a good three months, and I just wanted to se my mother's Durango in the parking lot again. But of course, Jay stepped in....and then turned on American Hunny......And I stared down at my big right toe, which, under my Converse, holds a squiggly smile face representing him.
Jason smells like country music,
Looks like laughs and smiles,
and feels like a big part of my heart.
Sweet as American Honey.
- Music:American Honey by Lady Antebellum
I knew Christian's uncle (on his father's side) was a registered sex offender. What I DIDN'T know is that...he sexually harassed my foster mother's COUSIN. Q.Q
We were talking about him on the way home from the visit, and I mentioned Paul, and Cathleen immediatly asked his last name. You should have seen the look on her face then.......She ended up saying stuff about those two when they were younger, and the houses, and her Cousins house, how it always smelled bad because he was molested so bad he'd wet to bed at night...and I find that completely horrific and sad and scary
Then there's my terrifiednes at Jessie, who I'm going out with now.....I'm so afraid of relationships...I'm so afraid of a horrid ending...
For some odd reason there's a string on my heart
And I have no idea where to start.
Is it good, is it bad
Let's not hope the ending is sad.
P.S: Gina's cousin has cancer....I feel like her whole family is drifting away from that horrible diseas. I can't stand it. If her mom gets it, I don't know what either of us will do....
- Music:Lady GaGa
Not really a poem...just my thoughts....
I'm about to go to bed,
but I just wanted to say,
I got asked out today.
First time's always a shock I guess,
even when you've heard it everywhere -__-
But I'm afraid he wasn't kidding, unless
This is a horrid, cruel sick joke.
My mind just won't get off that rope.
He's not the hottest.
He's not the coolest.
He's not the most outgoing
(Well, his internet self is)
And I'm afraid
I like his internet self more?
I find that so very sad.
I hate myself for that.
Try to knock it out of my head,
try and let go of the rope.
The there's Les.
Ha. Yeah. I'd never live this down. He'd never let you off.
Kayla. I think I just died a bit inside. Omg. I'd never, ever, ever, ever, everrrrr hear the end.
I think I'd cut myself before I told her.
Bree would be almost as bad. Ha.
Then there's me.
Omg, that's the worst of all.
I'm so confused. about me.
My wild clothes are gone,
and I urge myself not to think.
Because when I do I frown so very deeply
And I stare into space and my eyes water up,
and I do it in the car everyday. Thank God Kayla hasn't woken up.
Doubt she ever will, the way she snaps at me, doesn't see what I see.
I'm calm. I get it. I know life's horrid rules. I understand.
I smile cause I don't mean it, yet I smile cause I wanna mean it, and I smile cause I
Really, really, really do mean it.
I'm still horribly contridictory
I really need to stop that.
I fuck the world,
I love the world,
I love everyone (Though Kayla and other ignorant people piss me the fuck off)
I wish they'd all suck a GaGa dick,
but I'm here, all the time.
I won't leave you,
even though you left me.
I really need to stop it, with this seperation anxiety shit.
My insecurities latch me to them,
hoping mabe I will feel ok.
I don't have a single security, exept my mind,
though that's the worst place in the word really.
And the only thing I'm good at, is understanding Life's cruel lessons
Lessons are boring. Rules are to be broken. Half the time.
Poor, poor Frostie...XD
And I really can't think of much more to say
Because It's MEEE and I could go on forever
And I really should stop now
because I'm so confused and stuck and fucked and UGHHHHHHH
...Still prayin' to a God I may not believe in.
- Music:Confessions by Red
When I look upon your face,
I hope my look does not give me away.
So many feelings bubble up,
Yet the words in my head run amuck.
Perfect is the only thing I see
So close, so warm, tempting me
How to show you with out pain?
Because there, nothing earned, nothing gained.
When you're reduced to trembling fear,
I wish you knew how much you're dear.
How horrid I feel about myself,
How I only tried to show you love.
In my wake is only pain,
Nothing at all earned, nothing gained.
Flying on a doomed war plane.
I wil crash soon enough.
Don't act like you're not tough.
I now live for only you.
Gone are my "Friends", my country too.
And if you finally get sick of me,
I could not blame you, don't you see?
Though I would be oh so lost,
I know I have been, to you, a cost.
Why do you keep this unruly dog?
Who bit you by accident and muddied your rug?
Who sits and stays, but does not obey?
But hangs on every action, every word you say?**
But I only hope to show you love,
That's what you deserve, as a dove
Blood making the white so marred,
I'm sorry I made you oh so scarred.
Yet Sorry could never cover my disgust.
Words alone could never add up.
I have hurt you, I have pained you,
And worst of all, I think I betrayed you.
If I knew how to act,
I swear to you I'd never go back,
I'd never touch you so harshly again,
If only your wounds would mend.
Beautful is al I know,
when I look into your eyes,
I forget all of those who didn't have to die.
A rabid mut I may be,
But I will try, you will see.
...Though a promise from an adict isn't a very good one. Heh.
--Klaus from Maiden Rose
**This is what my friend wrote back when I put that stanza as my status on fb:
Cuz he follows me with puppy eyes.
Hes at the foot of my bed and never cries.
Even if i went to give him away.
He'd be at my door the very next day.
...I think that is so cute...... =)
- Music:Shadows by Red